Weight Perception - The Emotional Roller Coaster

My arms before (left) and after (right) pole
Weight on left: 136 lbs; on right: 146 lbs

As with most people, I've suffered with body issues for most of my life now. My body type is short and thick boned. My thighs like to hang onto fat (thunder thighs galore.) It's how I'm shaped. It's very different from bodies portrayed in the media. I've come to realize this and appreciate it. I love my hips; I love having curves. Despite that, I still battle insecurities of weight gain. Once I hit puberty I put on a ton of weight. Despite the fact that I was fairly active, in my teens, being on several performance teams, and despite being pretty muscled (we joked that we could beat the football team at push-ups), I was soft over my muscles, and I hated it. I got to 143 lbs and cried. My costumes and pants started giving me muffin top (though looking back I probably needed the next size up to begin with.) I didn't eat terribly. I ate when I was hungry, but none-the-less the weight kept creeping up. I have never been able to get a handle on my weight issues. Was I overweight? Not really, I was in the normal range of healthy, but I fell for the ideals of the media, with regards to body weight and became insecure (waaaaa! I'm not a model!)



I did lose some weight my senior year of high school from being busy hanging out with my boy-crush (teen hormones) and I didn't eat enough, but that weight loss was unhealthy and short lived. The weight creeped up again. I tried dieting and exercise to no avail. I was belly dancing and clogging at the time and started feeling embarrassed in my costumes. It didn't matter that I was constantly getting hit on at performances. I felt insecure next to my troupe & team members, who were thin.

Once again, I lost weight due to the stress of college. Learning Organic Chemistry and Physics was an energy black hole sucking my fat away! My confidence rose. I was thin! I didn't have any definable muscles, but I didn't care. At that time in my life, muscles didn't equate to beauty to me. Muscles were for boys right (derp, no!) I was more concerned with body fat percentage than with a healthy look. I never got to an unhealthy weight. My body gets to a certain weight and stops any more weight loss (looks like you're at a fine weight, lets keep it that way.) Not that I would have lost any more weight on purpose. I was happy where I was at, at 125lbs. All the weight loss was unintentional anyways.

I had to quit belly dancing & clogging due to my school-load (if you're crazy enough to be a science major, you'll lose a social life for 4 years, FYI) and put on weight AGAIN. 6 years ago I treated myself to a pole class as a way to treat myself for graduating college. I thought it ironic at the time. A college graduate learning to be a pole dancer (how hilarious.) Now I know that was a silly thought. It wasn't my only reason for taking pole though. I looked at the photos on the studio's website, of ladies holding up their body weight as was in awe. The strength needed for that must be tremendous. Little did I know how much strength was involved. Pole turned out to be so much more than I anticipated (I could not hold myself up when I started.) This was the beginning of a turning point for me and my views of my body.

For the first 2 years of poling I was still really concerned about my body fat. I gained weight AGAIN (do you see the trend here?), tried dieting to no avail (of course), and I was doing pole fitness and dance for 2 hours twice per week. That's a decent amount of exercise considering I had not been exercising for the last 2-3 years. My weight went up. I had SOME muscle, but not a lot. The weight gain was fat gain. There was no denying it. I was back to being horrified that this was happening. In reality, I was a normal weight at 136 lbs, but I wasn't lean (you'd think it was the end of the world with how I saw it.) It didn't help that I had a session with a personal trainer, who told me that I should be at 21% body fat, which knowing my body, is a very ambitious goal. 21% is at the low end of fit, just on the verge of an athletic body type. I just wanted to be back to 125 lbs like before, since weight equated sexiness, in my head. I never went to her again.

At this point I want to point out that a lot of people lose weight while poling. I gained weight. Part of it was muscle. I'm betting quite a bit of it was muscle. The body needs a caloric excess to build muscle, so sometimes you gain fat along with it. That happened to me and that is what I focused on, again. To some degree it was something to be concerned about, but not worth me avoiding looking at mirrors. Over 2 years I went from 138 lbs to 146 lbs. I spent 2 months trying to lose the weight, to no avail, and gave up discouraged. I was discouraged by seeing other girls my height at 130 lbs or less  (our body types are the same and we should all weigh the same, right?! No.)

This weight pendulum was the norm until I hit my mid 20's, then my weight got worse, because, my 30's are near!!! Word of warning everyone, your 30's will introduce you to an entirely new world of crazy changes. My clothes were a little bit tighter, but not terribly tighter. I kept telling myself, "most of it is muscle, it's not a problem," then I'd go to the doctor and their BMI chart put me into overweight. I tried to tell myself that BMI is stupid, which it is. It's a terrible way to judge health. It doesn't factor in bone density or muscle. It just takes your weight and height, but it's hard to reverse the body image expectations we are exposed to throughout our lives, and seeing ANYTHING that said "overweight" was upsetting. It actually pissed me off that my doctor was including it on the chart rather than doing a visual assessment too. Seriously everyone, BMI is ridiculous and innacurate. Note:  My current weight is 146 and I am considered overweight, according to the BMI chart. A fellow blogger did a nice article on a more accurate measure of body fat composition.

In reading my ACE Group Fitness Instructor learning materials, I came across a section that said fitness instructors should be the example of fitness with good body composition. I felt like a hypocrite, wanting to be a fitness professional with this extra weight I saw on myself. I now realize that I was fine.

Over the course of the next year my weight rose to 162lbs (the tipping point, and the reason for this blog.) Up until then all my pants still fit me. Once I got up that high, I couldn't even squeeze my thighs into my jeans (they surpassed "thunder thigh" into a full on hurricane.) That was when I said ENOUGH! This has got to stop. That was when I realized it was ACTUALLY a problem. All of the weight issues I had before were not real. They were in my head. I had been a healthy weight for so long and couldn't even admit it. I got serious. Not that I wasn't serious about weight loss before, but now I was REALLY serious. Fat cells were gonna die! MUAHAHAHA! I called my mother crying about my weight and body measurements. She bought me a bike peddler (which my terrier mix likes to attack when I use it) and that started my fat loss journey. I changed my diet drastically. I was not an unhealthy eater before, but it turns out I was eating wrong for my body. I finally found what worked for me, after a ton of searching on the internet (hail the internet!) I bought a food scale (like I should have before), counted calories in and out properly, and I made myself move more than I was before. I started Zumba on and off, but the majority of my fitness was walking the dogs and the bike peddler. I made small goals: 160lbs, then 157, then 155, etc. I realized that diet was the most important factor in MY fat loss and that not all diets work for everyone (what a shocker.) I got to the mentality of wanting to nourish my body, not satiate cravings, but if I had a craving, I went for the healthy option (like blueberries or an apple.) Chips and potatoes are my weakness, so they were not allowed in my house. Starchy buggers! I've said it before, I am usually the one gorging on chips and dip at parties. OMNOMNOM! *Note: I did run my diet by my doctor and she gave me the green light.

My belly dance arm bands before pole

I've gone through old photos of myself and am really looking at them now. Before I was poling I was thin, but not muscular. My arms were tiny! They were bigger than other girls, but those darn big bones are deceiving. I look at my arms now and fondly refer to them as "Hulk" and "Popeye" arms. The difference is astounding. My goal for my body is not to be "thin." I do want to lower my body fat % a bit, but I want muscles! Sexy muscles! I want to be able to dead lift myself in a pull up. I want to dead lift into handstands. I want to be strong. My arms are much bigger than they used to be. In fact, a belly dance arm band that used to fit me is now a bracelet. There is no way that thing is fitting on my upper arm, and I am proud of that fact. I worked hard for 6 years poling to build my muscles and for two months on fat loss (like before, but in a different way) and lost 15 lbs. I was happy with the weight loss, but more happy that I lost several inches on my body. I can see some of my thigh muscles moving when I walk (my thighs have muscles?!) I'm not done working on my fitness goals, but I am proud that, for once, I had healthy and realistic goals that I was able to meet. I no longer focus on the scale, though I do check it every few weeks. I am more concerned with measurements, how my clothes fit, and how I feel.

 Belly dance arm bands - after pole

How we view our own bodies is one of the most important factors in our lives. What good comes from hating oneself? There is value in having goals, but they should be realistic. We all have insecurities. We are jealous of others, but is it worth the stress? No. It's not. The best thing you can do for yourself is to be happy with yourself and be healthy. Be realistic. We are not all the same; life would be boring if we were. Embrace your differences. Find out what is best for you and make it a goal. Embrace what you have! Be happy and love you for you!

* Note: I am not a nutritionist and therefore cannot recommend diets for anyone. Sorry about that everyone.

This post is part of the PDBA June 2014 Blog Hop

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